I was about to talk about page 1 before life interrupted me. Here is what I read in my weakened state, "Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollable, and never regret anything that makes you smile. We're not quantified; there's no chart of desire. Hunch, conjecture, instinct...a blind allegiance to anything can get you killed, and always remember...sing as though no one can hear you; live as though heaven is here on Earth." and "If you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If you're a singer, everything looks like a song."
So by the first sentence I am starting to bawl. I want to be this way, more like him. Maybe it's the real me, but I am just too afraid of the consequences. I especially like that life is short, break the rules, blind allegiance is dumb, and heaven is here already. That's what I want. I have felt so smothered, chased, trapped and almost hunted in my life, that I've just turned into someone that hides, goes along, and tries not to make it worse. I've been trained that way where it is now instinctive, but that's not really me and I know it. I am what he said. When I feel safe. I just have to get there, that's my struggle.
OK, back to the book. Page 2, yes this is going to take forever. His mom told him, "If you manifest the light, you will become a dartboard for others' fear, doubts, and insecurities. And if you can handle that, Steven, you may have your Blue Army." I like that too. I've noticed that when I'm the most vibrant that 'some people' try to skwush me back down. I hate when it's done in an indirect way too!
People that have a talent for cutting someone down with a smile on their face and knowing that they are trying to make the other person feel crazy, are the truly evil people in my opinion.
"Radio plays your song; it crawls inside of the people listening and changes their everything. They start singing it! You got into them. You made love to them. You got into their soul...and vice versa." Yes, still on page 2. I do love this about music. I love loving a song and feeling something: upbeat, sad, like I can relate, or just to get up and dance around and belt it out too. For example, "What it Takes," by him is one of my favorites, and dang it, it's on my ringtone! When he sings, "Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch, tell me that my loving didn't mean that much, tell me you were lying when you're crying for me!" That verse always hits me like a title wave, and I love it. When I first heard it as a teenager too, it's like, Really! I am here feeling all this sorrow and you're fine?! And there ya have it. You can be in a relationship with someone and have no clue how they really feel. You can be 100% and think they are the same even when they're hanging out at 15% and then whammo.
I dated this musician once and when we broke up, he was looking at the bright side and said, "Well, I am looking forward to all the songs that will come from this breakup." Hoping he could make his break as a singer songwriter off of the ending of our relationship. Yup, I'd call him a 15%-er.
I am trying not to edit myself as I write. I feel like this is turning into it's own book and I should just shut up already. But that's me. I want to start sentences with 'and' and 'but' sometimes and overkill details and keep talking. So then, on to page 3! Gotta love it. BTW did you know that 'motherf...er' is one word? I did not know that:-) No hyphens, not 2 words, just one. Bet that one's still not in the dictionary. I read that in one of his interviews in a magazine. Adding that flavor to your vocabulary doesn't always have to be a bad, crude, or ignorant thing, sometimes it's just flavor and it fits. Not that I'm going to start whipping it out at the drop of a hat, but I will keep it in reserve for when moment strikes.
So Page 3 (I was interrupted by noise, imagine that). I didn't know he painted! That's cool. I want to paint too! I always have, but there is no money it, only joy, so of course I had to cross that off the list and FOCUS. But I will do it once I wriggle free. I also did not know that this dude has 2 doctorates, one from Berkeley, the other from UMass, Boston. I'd like to get details on that. I can NOT see him in a classroom. It may have been awarded for what he has achieved, like with Oprah.
This is going to be a hell of an entry, because I want to get caught up to where I am in the book. OK, hang on, we are jumping ahead to page 6! "Like all parents they were concerned, but I was afraid to tell them that I have never felt more comfortable that being lost in the forest." He talks about loving the quiet of the forest and the magical-ness of it and being a country boy. He would make up stories about shooting a rabid rattlesnake when he got back to his friends in the city after his summers in the country.
P.19 he was talking about pretending to be a Lakota Indian (which I have in my blood, so that jumped out) and he was shooting all these bluejays! At first I was like, "ICK!" but then he said that they raided the nests of other birds and flew away with their babies, that they were carnivorous like hawks and lawyers, so then I was ok. They are just so beautiful...deceived again, dang it.
We're almost there. The story about his mother's father was wrenching. He lived in the Ukraine, Germans invaded and machine-gunned down his father, mother, and sister and he jumped in a well and survived that, then caught the last steamer to America-wow.
It's funny how when you're a kid that your parents are so big in your life, then not so much as you are in the full swing of doing your thing (even though their influence is totally there driving you crazy) but then as you get older, they seem to be there again as you try to still figure things out. He was talking about his dad, who is 93, coming to visit him and he was playing the piano while he sad next to him. "He played, 'Debussy's Clair de Lune.' It was so much deeper than anything I have ever done or ever will do. It invoked so much of that early emotion laid on top of my adult emotions that I wept like a baby." So here comes some noise, this makes me want to give him a hug for being so emotional and genuine, and sweet and I wonder how that relates to other parts of his life. My mind jumps to all the women he has been with, OK that's what I really want to know: How does he look at sex. I guess that is one of my mysteries about men that escapes me. I am assuming that they can totally just separate physical from emotional during sex. Live have to pee really bad after you see a movie and you waited until long after your warning signals were going off and now finally release, flush, and it's over. Is that about right for some guys? Maybe for him after a concert, "she's cute, I feel like a rock star, that was nice, run along." Makes me want to go, "Really? wow (ew wow, not envious wow). But maybe there has to be some of those out there? Maybe some men have someone they love and make love to and then at the same time can separate also have women that are totally unemotional ego trips or physical releases, which maybe in their heads they don't see anything wrong with that, even if they are aware that the woman they love would. Hmm.. OK, back to the story.
He really misses his mom. She died and he wonders where she's gone. I hate it when people answer this question as if they are stating a fact. I am just up to my eyeballs with people claiming to have answers that they want to cram down my throat, because it would be wrong to not believe it too and here are 92 million reasons that they are going to beat you over the head with until you conform and submit. No thanks.
He says that she argued with principals over his long hair and loved and nurtured him whoever he wanted to be. I think he is suggesting (p.24) that he may have had ADHD and his mother got into it with a principal that suggested he be removed him his current school, "she was soooo 'for' me. 'What? Are you kidding? I'm taking him out of this school. Fuck you!' she said. OK she didn't say that (part), but here EYES did." It's great to feel backed up by your parents, especially when you don't expect it, but can count on it anyway. That's cool.
He bought some of the woods he used to go walking in as a kid, but hasn't been out there because he's afraid it won't be the same. It's so weird to experience something as an adult or visit it, when you have your childhood perception of it. It seems so different and you think, I think, was it even really that way? It seemed so much bigger, scarier, prettier...
No comments:
Post a Comment